May/110
I Interpret for Cole Hamels
Posted by: The Barbarian
Jayson Werth made his triumphant return to Citizens Bank to play the Phillies. He went 0-3 with a walk and an above average play in the outfield. The Nationals lost 4-1 thanks to Cole Hamels’ outstanding complete game. Hamels was asked what he thought about facing his former teammate.
“He’s a player,” Hamels said. “I’m the same way. When we’re on the field, we’re enemies. When we’re off the field, we can be friends. I think that’s just kind of the mentality you have to keep. We’re all out to win.”
Booooorrrrring.
Allow me, Mr. Hamels, to look into your brain and tell the world what you really meant.
“I don’t give a shit about him any more,” Hamels said. ”To tell you the truth, I didn’t really like him all that much when he was on our team. He was kind of stand-offish. Kind of a loner, and didn’t really have a good sense of humor. Not to mention the fact that he was a little too casual with my playboy model wife. And before you ask, yes, I always preface the word ‘wife’ with ‘playboy model’, unless I’m talking about your wife, of course. Why would I have married her, but to say I am married to a playboy model? But I digress.”
“Now that he’s on the Nationals, I could care less. He’s just another player on another crappy team. Sure, he could have taken less money and been a part of, potentially, one of the best teams ever assembled. But, he left. I understand. 128 million dollars is a helluva lot of money. ”
“Ben Fransisco and Dominic Brown will come close to if not surpass what Jayson will do this year. And they’ll do it for a lot less money. Look, if I see the guy [Werth] around the batting cages, I’ll say hi. If I’m feeling frisky, I might throw a little high cheese and brush him off the plate. But it won’t get any more or less friendlier than that.”
Your welcome, Cole. Your welcome.
Apr/110
Stop Watching the 3rd Round of the NFL Draft
Posted by: The Barbarian
and read my notes as I watch the Giants of San Francisco and the Nationals of Washington. It’s better than watching the game because you don’t have to actually see the Nationals play.
– Jason Marquis has the worst beard in the league. If you glued Marquis’ beard and Keanu Reeves beard together you might have enough hair for a legitimate, Todd Helton beard.
–Danny Espinosa will be the rookie of the year. He plays 2nd base for the Nats, in case you’re wondering. Leads all rookies in RBIs and OBP.
– Pat Burrel looks like he plays baseball with a back brace on. He just lumbered over to make a catch in foul territory and it reminded me of the scene in Terminator 2 where the the T-1000 is running after the car with with his hands becoming hooks. Just like that only way, way slower.
– Wilson Ramos, Nats catcher, hits a double, Laynce Nix smokes a homer. It’s pronounced Lance. Weird spelling Mr. and Mrs. Nix.
–Lincecum has over 40 pitches in the second inning. Everybody is hitting line drives.
–I still think I could hit .200 in single A. Give me 2 months to practice.
–In 2000, Rick Ankiel was 9th in ERA, 2nd in Hits allowed per 9 innings, and 2nd in Ks per 9 innings. In 2008, he hit 25 HRs and 71 RBIs. This was, of course, the steroid year. His numbers have declined after he began not using steroids, but he does still play a good centerfield. I would like to watch a documentary about him. Seems like a compelling story.
–Mike Rowe, from the Ford commercials, is starting to look a lot like Earnest from the Earnest Goes To… Movies.
Alive and driving a Ford
Dead and wearing a denim vest
Maybe it’s the hat.
–Here’s why RBIs are a bullshit stat. Pat “The Backbrace” Burrel has 5 home runs and 8 RBIs. Michael Young, DH for the Texas Rangers, has zero HRs and 18 RBIs. Not that I think Backbrace is better than Young. I’m just saying if there were a few guys on base for him, he would easily have more RBIs. The stat is predicated on other people, and therefor not the most accurate stat for evaluating a player.
–The movie Thor looks stupid.
–Ian Desmond, Nats SS, has hit for the cycle in his last 4 at bats.
Alright, the Nats are winning 3-0 on Marquis’ RBI hit-and-run single off a chest high 95 mph fastball from Lincecum. They’re looking good. I’m going to stop watching and just naively assume the Nats will win. Thanks for watching.
Apr/112
JIM PALMER’S HAIR dye
Posted by: The Barbarian
Here is Jim Palmer.
Elegance
He once was a great pitcher. He’s in the Baseball Hall of Fame. His hair looks weird. While he most certainly does not wear a toupee’, Palmer does use hair dye that makes him look unnaturally creepy. Here’s a fun game. The following is a list that could be both names of the color of Palmer’s hair dye and black gay porn titles.
Chocolate Gala
Leathery Manhide
Brown Embrace
Colored Cowboy
Grande Mocha To Go
Walnut in Your Hair
Mahogany Man
The Glistening Bronze Medallion
Crazy Caramel Disco
Sl-Umber Party
The Tan Ten
Nut-Brown Hare *
Tawny and Tawdry
Moussey Moose
Rawhide and Seek
* is also a children’s book
Please leave a comment with your titles. I will choose the best one and send a free life size replica of my torso.
Apr/110
Chapman Hits 106 on Radar; Castro Brothers Weep
Posted by: The Barbarian
Adrolis Chapman, Cincinati Reds pitcher and Cuban exile, hit 106mph on the radar gun Monday. The net day, the Castro clan named Jose Ramon Machado as the second highest ranking official in Cuba, making him the successor of Ramon Castro. Machado, a sprite 80 years old, said the two incidents have nothing to do with each other and he is “happy for” and “proud” of Chapman.
A conversation overheard later, however, reports that the Castro Bros. are fed up with their current system of government and can’t understand, after 40 years, why “anyone would go to America to seek fame and fortune for being good at something, when they could just stay here and reap the benefits of national pride.” Ramon later said, “I would have given his family 5 chickens…” He then reportedly trailed trailed off into an incoherent mumble and stared at the ocean.
Chapman’s pitch may have been the straw that broke the donkey’s back, and led the Castros to step down as leaders. Machado could very well continue in the boot steps of his leaders, or maybe, just maybe, Chapman can demoralize the entire Cuban regime by buying just 3 more new Ferrari’s.
Super Castro Bros. 4: Escape from a Dying Idealogy
Apr/111
I Learn about Emotions from a Computer
Posted by: The Barbarian
Me: Hey, computer, why do you keep talking about the Royals and the Indians being on top of the AL central? What about Japan, America’s debt ceiling, and the new Transformers movie?
Computer: (in a robot voice) It is strange that these two teams are in the lead. I like to point out anomalies.
Me: Yeah, but you know that the season is like, 200 games long. You are a computer, after all.
Computer: The Major League Baseball season is 162 games. Yes. I know.
Me: So, after 12 games, it really doesn’t mean all that much. I’m pretty sure that the Indians and the Royals are not going to make the playoffs, or probably even come close.
Computer: I am told that this story is “fun.” There are teams that nobody thought would be good, and they are good.
Me: But they aren’t. They aren’t really good. They will sink like stones into this season’s oblivion. By the end of the year, nobody will remember the Royals or the Indians.
Computer: This is what makes baseball interesting. Humans love underdogs. In sports, teams that have a low probability of winning are called underdogs.
Me: I know what underdogs are, computer.
Computer: Underdogs capture people’s collective imagination and give them hope. When people see underdogs win, they feel that anything is possible, and they become inspired. People want to read about these stories.
Me: But statistically, logically, I know that they will not be there at the end of the year. The White Sox, the Twins, these are the teams that have big payrolls and sign signature free agents. They have better players and so they are better.
Computer: If you can’t understand why this is interesting, then you are a fool. If you cannot experience, on some level, the hope, inspiration, imagination, freedom and ultimately love of sports in this tiny AL Central microcosm, I feel sorry for you.
Me: Alright, computer, relax. Jeez. (under my breath) I’m going to pour soda on your face.
Computer: What!?
Me: Nothing
My new IPad 2
Apr/113
No, THIS just in
Posted by: The Barbarian
Reports indicate that Livan Hernandez’s head looks like a kidney bean.
- shape and color
- brown and oblong
Apr/110
No, THIS week in baseball
Posted by: The Barbarian
News and Notes:
Manny Ramirez retired this week after facing yet another suspension for steroid use. The MLB’s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment program issued the ultimatum; either Manny faces the probability of a 100 game suspension or he retires. He chose the latter. I’m not all that concerned with the moralistic sermons offered by various members of the media, about how Manny will never even get on the ballot for the Hall of Fame. What does concern me is the name of MLB’s drug program. The MLB Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment. The word “joint” is in the title. It sounds to me like MLB is trying to prevent MLB players from smoking joints. What’s wrong with eliminating the “joint” from the title? We get it; the MLB is super concerned with both preventing and treating drugs. I guess MLB Cocaine and Copenhagen Drug Prevention and Treatment program was already taken.
Word around baseball has Nick Markakis, Mike Moustakis and Kevin Youkilis opening a Greek discotheque on the island of Mykonos, complete with soap bubbles, world-renowned DJs and hairy men in speedos. Whenver Youkilis bats, I like to picture him dancing, surrounded by bubbles and wearing a speedo. With his intensity, he would be awesome at dancing to techno music.
Markakis is on the left
A Twins spokesperson has just announced that Joe Mauer has been put on the 15-day DL, making a total mockery of my fantasy baseball team. To add to the personal insult, the reason? “leg weakness”. The Twins organization has issued this photo as, I suppose, confirmation of Mauer’s skinny legs.
Joe Mauer's legs
May/100
Misusing the Word Literally, Literally
Posted by: The Barbarian
Stuart Scott, veteran of Sportscenter and author of everybody’s favorite catch phrase “Cooler than the other side of the pillow” just said, “Jeff Van Gundy literally blew a gasket.”
Perhaps “gasket” is a slang term for a sailor, and Van Gundy was despondent over his loss to the Celtics and performed fellatio on a seaman on shore leave. Otherwise, Scott, a professional “journalist,” used the word “literally” in the exact opposite way it was intended.
(I literally woke up at 5:30 on my day off, so give me a break.)
May/100
NL West – Starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline
Posted by: The Barbarian
NL West – I know it’s more than a quarter of the way through the year, but I’m still allowed to make predictions. Why? Because I own the rights to making predictions. Also, I smell terrific.
Los Angeles Dodgers – I really want to write a pun with Ethier’s name substituted for the word either. Oscar Wilde, on his death bed, famously said, “Ethier that wallpaper goes or I do.” This doesn’t have anything to do with baseball or predictions, but I can’t do any better. If you can find a way to relate this to baseball, or the Dodgers in any way, please leave a comment. I will choose the best one and send you a hand written coupon promising a car wash.
San Diego Padres -I like a Padres because they have a an actual Spanish word on their jersey. I hate it when baseball or basketball “honors” the Latino population by having Spanish night and half-heartedly writing “los” in front of their names on their jerseys. The Lakers become los Lakers. The Spurs become los Spurs. I don’t know Spanish, but I bet they have another word for Spur or Lake.
Colorado Rockies – I heard they serve Rocky Mountain Oysters at Coors Field, which, if you weren’t aware, are bull testicles. This is pretty gross. But not nearly as gross as Head Cheese.
San Fransisco Giants – Pitching is great, but they have absolutely no hitting. Unless you count Pablo Sandovar. And I don’t count Pablo unless I’m literally listing 300 pound third basemen.
Arizona Diamondbacks – The worst uniforms in the league.
The Diamondbacks. Ewwwww
Apr/100
Albert Pujols’ Junk
Posted by: The Barbarian
Adding to the ongoing trend of athlete’s “accidentally” taking pictures of their private parts, we here at Jim Palmer’s Hair have obtained an exclusive photo of Albert Pujols’ penis and testicles.
Ha.